October 21, 2008 § 8 Comments
So, due to recent events…premature birth, NICU, apnea monitors, being home alone with two infants all day long, all by myself, fighting with my husband, trying to work outside of the home, apparently getting too close to some of my friends and my entire life feeling like a giant avalanche, I broke down and went to the doctor. He gave me some samples of lex.apro. I took one dose. Then, all hell broke loose. I was manic. Emotionally, I was all over the place. Then the physical side started. Muscle spasms all over my body but most especially my jaw. It was awful. I called the doctor and he called in a prescription for plain old pro.zac. I was on pro.zac several years ago for my depression. They had tried several medications but they all had horrible side effects. So I am hoping against hope that this helps.
I feel like I have lost everything. I have lost my friends, I have lost the trust of my husband, I have lost my job, I have lost my outlet for any kind of socialization, but worst of all, I have lost myself.
Everything is very black right now. Like I am standing on the edge of a huge black pit and over my shoulder I can hear the avalanche of the crap that my life has become crashing down on me. I hate this feeling.
I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good wife. I want a normal life, not a perfect life, just normal. I want myself back.
How could I be so strong for so long and then lose it all now? Don’t get me wrong, during the battle with IF, I cried. I cried every month when I got my BFN. But I still believed that someday all that would change. Something would work. But now, I am crying in the parking lot of the grocery store because I don’t want to go home and deal with two crying, teething babies and a husband who I am pretty sure hates me now.
I have managed to destroy all of the friendships that we had with other couples. I fell like I can’t show my face in town. I have probably destroyed the life and marriage of a very close friend. All over a massive misunderstanding. And I can’t undo any of it. I don’t know who to trust anymore.
My life sucks.