October 21, 2008 § 8 Comments

So, due to recent events…premature birth, NICU, apnea monitors, being home alone with two infants all day long, all by myself, fighting with my husband, trying to work outside of the home, apparently getting too close to some of my friends and my entire life feeling like a giant avalanche, I broke down and went to the doctor.  He gave me some samples of lex.apro.  I took one dose.  Then, all hell broke loose.  I was manic.  Emotionally, I was all over the place.  Then the physical side started.  Muscle spasms all over my body but most especially my jaw.  It was awful.  I called the doctor and he called in a prescription for plain old pro.zac.  I was on pro.zac several years ago for my depression.  They had tried several medications but they all had horrible side effects.  So I am hoping against hope that this helps.

I feel like I have lost everything.  I have lost my friends, I have lost the trust of my husband, I have lost my job, I have lost my outlet for any kind of socialization, but worst of all, I have lost myself.

Everything is very black right now.  Like I am standing on the edge of a huge black pit and over my shoulder I can hear the avalanche of the crap that my life has become crashing down on me.  I hate this feeling.

I want to be a good mother.  I want to be a good wife.  I want a normal life, not a perfect life, just normal.  I want myself back.

How could I be so strong for so long and then lose it all now?  Don’t get me wrong, during the battle with IF, I cried.  I cried every month when I got my BFN.  But I still believed that someday all that would change.  Something would work.  But now, I am crying in the parking lot of the grocery store because I don’t want to go home and deal with two crying, teething babies and a husband who I am pretty sure hates me now.

I have managed to destroy all of the friendships that we had with other couples.  I fell like I can’t show my face in town.  I have probably destroyed the life and marriage of a very close friend.  All over a massive misunderstanding.  And I can’t undo any of it.  I don’t know who to trust anymore.

My life sucks.


§ 8 Responses to Suckage

  • Kari, I posted a comment yesterday – but I think you may have removed that post.

    I hope you are taking care of yourself. I am worried about you. I wish I could give you a hug.

    I hope that the Pro.zac will work in helping you feel like yourself again.

    Thinking of you.

  • Kirsten says:

    I wish I could do something to help but I think you are doing the right thing by seeking medical intervention…it was created for a reason and I have known so many people that have had their lives completely turned around for the better because of anti-depressants.
    Hopefully things will turn around soon; in the meantime take it a day at a time.
    Sending hugs,

  • Kirsten says:

    You know I love you. I love you both. You have to work it out. It’s work and it’s not always fun. It’s a bump on a bumpy road and there will be more bumps. You’re not always going to be right and neither is he. Choose your battles, some are not worth the frustration and you just have to let it go for your own sanity. Let it roll off your back.

    As far as your friends go, if they are friends they will stick by you. I love you. I will pray for you both.

    Give my nephew and niece a big hug and kiss from me. Get some rest when they rest, sounds like you need it. The other stuff will get done when it gets done. Enjoy the time you have with them because it goes by quickly.

    Love & many prayers,



  • Kirsten says:

    Oh, and you can’t do it all alone, so give it to Him and rely on His strength. Love you both bunches!

  • pillarr1 says:

    Sorry to hear about what is going on with you. I think a lot of us feel that way – that we are losing ourselves, our friends, our family. Raising children, not to mention two at the same time can be trying.

    I will tell you the only thing that helped me. Taking my child to a daycare center once or twice per week. It is $45 per day per child. I take her to Discovery Point. They have them all over the country. Rachel cried at first but only the first day. She is used to going now and loves the caregivers and the other children. It gives her time with other people and me time for myself. Since she has been teething sleep is not going so well. On the days that she is there, I relax and lie in bed and watch TV. I used to do chores but then I found that I was really wiped out.

    A lot of people frown on SAHMs taking kids to daycare. I don’t care what anyone says. They are not the ones that have to deal with my situation. I do what is best for me.

    If I did not take her there, I would have no time for myself. I have no family to help here in Georgia. My husband is gone at work from 6:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m.

    I hope this helps. I will be thinking about you.


  • bee says:

    So sorry you’re feeling thins way. I have no answers or advice but I will say a prayer for you.

  • Karen says:

    I can relate except my kids are older… Hang in there, your babies need you. I’m working on my genealogy & think we all have so much in common…

  • Tina Vars says:

    Kari, I love you so much and I am SOOOO sorry about what you are going through!!!! I don’t know the details but it appears you are going through postpartum depression(???). I will SO pray for you!!

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